А что, пусть они наших тоже знают! - Подумала я и перевела торкнувший меня Герои уходят в легенду. Небеченно.



Chara

Heroes leave for the legend.



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Desert wind, dry and hot, biting the skin with thousands of tiny stings. Rustling sound of the robe fluttering in the wind. Pain of the sore flesh. All this telling me I am still alive. I know what DEATH is. But it never occurred to me, it could be you it would take one day. This is strange… I knew, my natural life-span is longer than yours, but I never thought you would be gone before me. This is strange…

I miss you. It has only been 2 point 4 hours since I lost your voice amidst the voices of distant stars, but it seems like twenty years for me. Something clenched painfully inside and when it was gone, there was nothing left there. Nothing at all. Only emptiness.

I want to believe, that at least it is easier on you now. That your name and your glory let go of you.

“Heroes do not leave for retirement, they leave for the legend!”

You joked about it at the farewell party after Khitomer, and all I saw in your eyes was pain. You were already a legend, Academy cadets held their breath speaking your name. And the time slowly but inescapably was making you a “bygone”. Time has come to leave the bridge, giving road to the youths. But to become a museum showpiece with a plate reading “Do not touch, please” was beyond you.

Everything hurt you lately, everything: words, gestures, looks. You tried to hide it (and you quite succeeded), but I knew anyway. For the last year you have grown accustomed to what envy is in the fullest. You envied Bones, because he will never be short of patients. You envied Scotty, because there will always be need in such as him - in love with the engineering - notwithstanding their years. You envied Uhura still air-monitoring. You envied, and most painfully so, Sulu, all space treks open to him. You envied me, for having found my place in the diplomatic work. It was beyond your comprehension, how it is possible to take off your uniform jacket and stuck it in the wardrobe. It was not easy. And you knew it would not be. However, you hurt too much to deprive yourself of a small joy – to hurt someone else. And after each such “small joy” came remorse and shame. And I left. Left to help you cope with it.

And you coped indeed. You found a way. No, I do not believe, you consciously searched for death. It just so happened, that somebody was in need of help somewhere. And it was you who volunteered without hesitating a second. And I was not by your side to back you up. And Bones was not there to return you from the dead. I do not know why, but I believe you were smiling.

Today a young lieutenant, still a cadet yesterday, will come to the house of my father. He will be shifting his weight and avoiding my eyes, not knowing how to say what is to be said. But he will address me at last…

- Captain Spock, - which is already incorrect. But I will not correct him – it will be easier for him to go uninterrupted. – Today, during the running test of the cruiser Enterprise-B, Admiral James T. Kirk deceased. I am sorry, sir.

- Do not be, - I will reply and I will see misunderstanding in his eyes. – The ship?

- Returned to dock at the Earth orbit. – Always the same misunderstanding in his eyes.

- Jim always wanted to leave like this – saving the ship and the crew. This is the least he could have done for the Enterprise.

- Sir?

- Heroes do not leave for retirement, lieutenant, - my father will raise a surprised eyebrow. It does not matter. – Heroes leave for the legend.

And I will empty the room. There is nothing left I want to say. I will come to my place. I will light the candles. But today I am in no mood for meditation. I will be remembering you, Jim. Not because I would want to return you. But because I want to remember.