Не помню, чей фик. Предысторию появления на свет сей концовки расскажу завтра, сейчас уже сил нет. Перевести... обещаю.



Стар Трек.



As I gather myself to step onto the transporter pad, my heart is seized by the sense of finality. It is both pain and relief. My body aches, falling apart. Far beyond any control now. But this pain is nothing compared to the pain of loss and grief and uncertainty and hope rising – feelings, which I sense coming from my t’hy’la. For the first time in my life I do not wish to calculate the odds - of bringing my real self back alive and whole. In a sense, he gave life to me – his life. His feelings, his memories, the whole world, of which I saw so little. But above all… he gave me his… my love. If only for the brief moment I have for my existence here. If only I got this illegally and incidentally, as a theft from a real owner. He gave me everything he is, if only unwillingly and unbeknownst to himself. And as I am preparing to meet my fate, I have one more decision to make. For him. And for Jim. As I consider it, I know, it would be my choice also and I do not hesitate anymore. I must return him what is his, not mine. Every memory of this mind and this body is his. Tenderness and desire in Jim’s eyes when I entered the Enterprise. It was for him, not for me. The sensation of Jim for the first time entering this body anew. The infatuating mix of human emotions pouring into my mind now. Even the pain. It all belongs to him and must be put in place. I carefully revise the memories stored safely in my head, concentrating on every sensation. He will not loose a single moment of being with Jim, seeing him, breathing him, loving him with all that is the essence of mine. I have little time in store and I pray silently, as Jim’s face is disappearing from view, and I beam down to the planet, that Spock is there and alive. Fifteen seconds, my internal clock is making the final count down for me. And he is there. Lying naked and unconscious on a medical table. It is an odd feeling, as I bend over my exact image and put my trembling and weakening fingers onto the meld-points. Five seconds. As his body begins to shimmer in the reverse-transportation, I whisper softly: “Remember”. And then there is blackness.



***



I come around and the first sensation is the pain. It is so intense, as if my whole body is going to fall apart – cell by cell. But then it drains out, only to be replaced by the agony of an unbearable loss clenching my mind. And then, looking into the golden eyes of my t’hy’la where maddening joy and infinite grief are mixing themselves in exquisite clouds, I remember. As I rest my face on his cool palm, my body draped upon his knees, his other arm cradling me tenderly, I whisper to him: “Do not grief for him, Jim, for he is here”. And then I close my eyes.







***



АПД. История появления. Сидели мы вчера в обществе умных и приятных людей и разговаривали на разные темы. Разговор зашел о каббале, и одна из моих собеседниц рассказала, что суть каббалы заключается в том, что все тварные миры, и все их составляющие есть "проекции" или аватары единственного настоящего мира. И каждый из нас - двойник своей реальной сущности, и наша цель - слиться со своим настоящим "я". И тут меня стукнуло...